Hey everybody! How’s life treating you? Some of you are probably thinking, not horrible, but not that great either. Maybe your life is going fine. Maybe you are in the best place you’ve been in for a while. But there is something you can’t quite put your finger on. A missing piece to the puzzle. Most of us know that feeling, and some of us don’t really know we have it. You’re still unhappy, unfulfilled in some way.
It’s hard to know what that aching feeling in your chest is when everything is going well. A lot of people don’t even realize they’re unhappy. They think that life is going great and they should be happy. They convince themselves they are. We lie to ourselves.
I have been struggling with this feeling over the past year, but especially these past few months. I figured out what that feeling was, but had no idea how to change it. I was feeling unfulfilled, empty like there was something in my life that I so desperately needed to change. I wrote this poem to try to sort out what I was feeling.
Another day has gone by
gone again is yet another lie
Pretending to have happiness
when life is really emptiness
A dream, a purpose, a hand to hold
is what I’m craving to fill this hole
Another day just sitting around
acting like meaning can be found
within this life, I live in this moment
but the future stays far off and dormant
I plan & I work as if I’ll make it
but I lie to myself to make the pieces fit
Am I kidding myself to even try
cause it feels like everyone thinks its just in my mind
My heart aches for some sort of meaning
Sometimes so much I feel I can’t keep breathing
But I do, cause there might be more
Hopefully, I’ll reach an open door
Try as I might, nothing seems right
just slip into another sleepless night
Wake up with that yearning pain
Still, nothing to soothe that throbbing ache
I breathe, I talk, I do my art
Just to distract from that pleading from my heart
A plea to do something to change the world
Even if I’m just a scared little girl
I know I’m meant for more than this
But there are so many paths blocked it’s ridiculous
It’s all a waiting game from now on
I’ve done what I can to bring the dawn
A new day with sunshine and trees
is waiting in that future just out of my reach
It’s so close I’m losing my mind
It’s right there! I just can’t grab it in time.
I guess I’ll try to forget this now
I’ll distract from the thirst again somehow
Time to escape back to fantasy
Watch out, Peter Pan is flying back for his Pixie
Fly off to the second star to the right
And straight on til morning…
goodnight, sleep tight…
I discovered by writing this that I needed a purpose, a role to take on, I needed to do something that mattered to me. I couldn’t just sit by and keep trying to tell myself that life was going great when it really wasn’t. I thought long and hard and finally figured out what I needed.
I needed to get out into the world and make a difference. I needed to make connections with people and find ways to use what I’m passionate about to help others. After some time I made the decision to go to college. I want to learn how to amplify my artistic skills and make a way in the world with that. I needed to meet others who loved art just as much as I do, and who use it to express the emotions from their hearts. To tell a story of pain, battles, triumphs, and perseverance.
I just decided this about two weeks ago, but I’m already applying to the college I want and have a tour set up. I’ve been filling out forms and asking for transcripts and any other things I might need. I want to get as much done as possible before I go on my tour of the school.
It may seem sudden to some people, but I have actually been thinking about going back to school for a while now. I just couldn’t find a school that had a good arts program and also have on-campus housing and such. I’ve been getting a lot of “Are you sure?” type responses when I told people. It was really hurtful to hear how people were convinced I was going to have some massive mental breakdown and waste a bunch of money and rack up student loan debts.
You know, I may not do well, and yes there is a chance I will have a mental breakdown by going to college, but that is how it is with everyone. Anybody can have the pressure build too much to keep going. But you know what? You won’t find out if you can swim if you don’t jump in the water. Life is full of risks. You learn from your mistakes, and you take a leap of faith. You take a risk. If you just play life calculating every step, it will take you much longer to cross the road if you wait for there to be no cars around on a heavy traffic day. You don’t go anywhere in life if you don’t take a risk.
Yes, it is possible you will fail, but you know what? It’s even more possible you will succeed. People do crazy things all the time. Remember the whole YOLO fad? You Only Live Once. People would do crazy things just because they could. Life is no fun without risks. You may discover a whole new side of yourself you never realized you had until you tried it. I was scared to try Sushi for the first time a few years ago, and now it’s one of my favorite foods! I was scared to do acupuncture and it turned out to be one of the best things I did at the time to cope with my depression. It even played a key role in discovering Wicca because the lady gave me an amethyst to help with my nightmares. That led me to crystals, and a while later I ended up connecting with Wicca and magick. It is a key part of who I am and how I live my life, by the core belief to “harm none”. Who would have guessed that such a core part of me would come from taking the risk and trying acupuncture? It’s just a little risk, yet it made a world of difference.
Eleanor Roosevelt put it in simple, easy to follow instructions. ” Do one thing every day that scares you.” She encouraged people to take a risk every day. That is how you go places in life. It doesn’t have to be a big thing every day. It could just be going to a new store or waving to a stranger. It all matters. It all makes a difference.
So as I prepare to take a big risk by going to college at 21, I keep reminding myself that I am taking a step towards filling that empty hole in my heart. I will fulfill that desire to have a purpose. If I back down now because everyone is telling me I can’t do it, or it’s too risky, the chances of me trying again in the future are small.
Do you have that unquenchable thirst, longing, and yearning feeling pulsing through your body? Are you just too afraid to go for it? If you are scared, then that just means you should do it even more because of that fear. Fear holds us back. It’s a prison and we have the key just close enough to touch if we try hard enough. We just have to reach out and take it.
So then dear reader, why don’t you go and take that risk you’ve been too afraid to take. If you feel like you need permission here I am giving you the thumbs up. You can start small. Just go do one thing that scares you today.