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Innocent and Blind

A poem from the perspective of a survivor of childhood mental abuse:

It was all a cruel sick game
To make me think I’m the one to blame
When really it was just my brain in a cage

A master of manipulation
Made me blind to the real victim
Lived in this perfect world
That was only a hallucination

And I was ashamed and confused
Why I felt like I was abused
Cause daddy only gave the broken walls a bruise

Innocent eyes, innocent mind
Couldn’t understand the reasons why
All grown up now, but still a scared child inside

Alone at night, listening to  a other noises from next door,
jolts me back behind those closed doors
only see the look in his eyes, that empty evil shell behind his disguise

The calm after the storm is the loudest silence
Who knew how frightening it is to only hear the quiet?

Pounding heart and shaky breath,
Exhaustion fear, and shock I’ll drift off to bed
Asleep the nightmares come alive
Then wake up to another lie

“Everything is fine” they all say,
It’s just frustration at the end of the day

No one sees or no one cares 
enough to pull the trigger for the alarms to blare

A child can’t be that good at acting fine 
When she’s falling apart before their very eyes

Was it simply because they did not recognize?
Or was it fear that kept them from opening their eyes?

Questions with no answers to satisfy 
the fact my whole childhood was a lie
It haunts my soul deep inside
The same question every time 
Why? Why? Why?

I’ll never know, never accept, never forgive and forget
As his mind rots away
I thank the goddess for the justice she’s served his way

Perhaps that’s cruel and cold of heart
To want his mind to slowly fall apart

The thing that made him most proud
Is now what’s causing him to go down

How fitting her sentence can be
Considering that’s what he did to me
My brain forever altered at his hand
Makes every noise feel like its happening all over again

I’ll never be the same or have some normal life
I’m stuck in a replay of those horrible fights

My mind splits in tiny pieces 
So I can handle living with all my demons

Convinced I’ll never be good enough for anything
Is Sewed into the fabric of my beliefs 
I constantly struggle to break free

Like a newborn at 18,
I have to completely reshape everything 

Learn who I am on my own
And discover my beliefs as I grow 

It’s hard, it hurts, it makes no sense 
But if I don’t, I’ll never find happiness 

You realize so much of who you are is how your childhood was written
Your experiences and emotions are what shapes you as a person

Subtle things that seem unimportant
Can make day or night
When walking through life’s forest 

Bears become my friends 
but end up turning on me in the end

Can’t trust myself or anyone else, 
because I’ve been betrayed
almost every time I trusted them to help

When I’m not reliving being that traumatized girl
I find myself completely  immersed in a supernatural world

Rather live a fictional life
With super powers and a way to fight
Than looking around and seeing what’s is actually around me each and every night

My dreams in control I’ll Escape to my head, paint the world I wish I lived in instead

Images come to me and I have to create
That world in my mind with a canvas and paint

Look at it as it becomes my very own creation 
That place sparking to life from my imagination 

Get lost in the hypnotic rhythm of the paint
As the feel of the smooth liquid glides across my canvas as I create

The images alive and so much more real
Now that I see what inside I could feel

I make what comforts me when I’m in fear
Or let out my pain and anger through colors washed by tears

It’s how I survive day by day
When my whole world seems filled with anger and anguish as I slip away

My head above water for just long enough
To take a breath before the ocean swallows me up 

It’s all too much, I need some relief
From failing at life, so they tell me
I want my life but can’t have it
Because everyone thinks they know what needs to happen

God!!its so frustrating when I want to choose where I go from here
But They keep saying I have to keep up this life and let them steer

I want out so badly it hurts
No one understands what It’s like to live with this unquenchable thirst

I supposed it’s time I end this here
I could go on for hundreds if years

I’m restless, lonely, and lost
Drowning in my own overwhelming thoughts

So I’ll put the pen down and close my eyes
And dream of a life where I don’t have to hide

A life I feel is right for me
Where I can be who I want and do what I believe

I don’t need much, just what I need to be alive
No need for mansions and fancy car rides 

You’ll find me in nature in a little hut 
With just enough room for me and my pets

I’ll paint all day, live simply and green
I’ll give back to the earth what she has given me

And perhaps I’ll have a special girl by my side
To kiss and to hold me close in the night

A dream so simple yet perfect in every way 
I will get there someday

While I try to find my path
I’ll do my best to cope with the past

And one day I will be free 
From all the things consuming me
 I must hang on and try my best
And the universe will take care of the rest

If I’m kind and good to all I meet
Karma will someday reward me 

So off to sleep I go now
Yet Another day gone by somehow

So I’ll say what I do every night
Good night, sleep tight, don’t let the nightmares bite

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